I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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