Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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