if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
