i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
