Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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