I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
