My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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