He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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