the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
