why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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