If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
