At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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