I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
