After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
