Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
