My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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