Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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