his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
