I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
