So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
