I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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