I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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