Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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