I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
