So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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