there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize