The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
