she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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