I molested 6 butterflies tonight
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize