yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
