You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
