he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
