my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
