Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
