Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
