Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize