she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
