my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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