I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize