worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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