I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
