Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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