genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
