twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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