So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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