Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
