I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
