note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
