did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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