sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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