Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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