He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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