I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
