Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
