i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Boobs speak an international language.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
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