my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
