Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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