Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
