ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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