I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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