i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
