Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
