kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
