I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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