Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
